I don’t have a deep or insightful article for you today. Just some thoughts on how challenging this degree is for me these days, now that I’m in my internship.
I did the math today and discovered that I’m way further behind on my hours than I thought I was. Like, I’m 1/6th of the way done when I should be 1/2. For a good part of the day I admit, I panicked. If I don’t finish these hours I fail the entire year, and will have to repeat both semesters again.
I kept thinking I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m already burning out at a fantastic rate, what with me doing about 20 internship hours a week on top of my 40 hours at my day job. I’m so jealous of my classmates that don’t have expensive medicine to cover, or who have a spouse to cover them under health insurance. If I had one of those things, I’d totally quit my job and just dive into my internship.
I found myself dreaming of taking out a student loan, quitting my job, and doing just that. I guess if I borrowed enough money I could cover the lousy, expensive marketplace plan that doesn’t cover my transplant team. Yeah, okay. Honestly, it sucks to be in this situation.
But you know what difference I’ve noticed, as opposed to even a few weeks ago? I’m not convinced this is something I can’t handle. Or rather, I have this weird, calm feeling that this is something I CAN. After being out of the black grip of a depressive episode for a couple weeks, it feels like everything in my life is just….. lighter. More manageable. And it’s easier for me to recognize that I’m not alone, this problem (although frustrating and still very, very scary) isn’t the end of the world, and that with a little bit of help I can probably get it solved.
After reaching out and asking for advice from my friends and family, I know that at the very least I have people here to support me. It’s amazing how much better that simple fact makes me feel.
All day, I’ve had these lyrics stuck in my head, so I’ll leave you with them.
If there were no desire to heal
The broken and damaged met along
This tedious path I’ve chosen here
I certainly would have walked away by now…
I must keep reminding myself of this
I must keep reminding myself of this….